


Spiritually Connected

by HappyHoloLady



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Guardian Angels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dan Howell, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-07-11 06:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15967058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappyHoloLady/pseuds/HappyHoloLady
Summary: Everyone in the world has a guardian spirit, but Dan is convinced he doesn't have one.  After all, he's never met his spirit, and he gets into an abnormal amount of danger everyday.  His days are spent getting himself into varying deadly situations.  Oh, and of course, pining after his best friend, Phil Lester.





	1. Chapter 1

**Ch. 1**

Dan was starting to think his guardian spirit was really lazy.

_I almost got hit by a truck, where is my fucking guardian spirit? Have they gone to Hawaii or something?_

Dan paused for a second before continuing on his walk.

_Actually, with my luck, they probably have. Or of course, I may just not have one._

Everyone had a guardian spirit, someone that helped you in times of crisis. Some people met their guardian spirit when they were toddlers, some when they were in elementary school. Everyone's guardian spirit was different. They could shape-shift, changing from human to animal depending on what they thought was best.

The only dependable way to identify that someone or something was a guardian spirit was the tattoo. Every guardian spirit had a tattoo of flowers somewhere on them.  The flowers and color of flowers varied depending on the spirit, but every guardian spirit had flowers on them. Bright, gorgeous flowers that proved that they were there to protect you.

Everyone had a story of the first time they met their guardian spirit, whether it was when they were a toddler or when they were a teenager, everyone Dan knew had met their guardian spirit at least once before.

Dan was the only person he knew who hadn't met their guardian spirit. He had definitely been getting himself into mortal peril from when he was young, but he had never met his guardian spirit.

He remembered his parents had taken him to a spirit-seer when he was little. The white walls had been shining and there had been posters about health everywhere.

“We don't know what's wrong,” they had told the spirit-seer. “He's almost died 10 times in the past year, but his guardian spirit hasn't shown up at all. We're starting to get worried.”

He remembered the doctor, a tall woman with calm eyes and shiny teeth. His parents had clear faces of worry, scared for their little boy's fate, but the spirit-seer just offered a reassuring smile.

“Don't worry, everyone has a guardian spirit,” she had said. It was obvious she wasn't taking her parents worries seriously. “Just because his guardian spirit hasn't shown itself yet doesn't mean he doesn't have one.”

“Then why hasn't it shown itself yet? He's almost died more times than we can count! His guardian spirit still hasn't shown up, and he's definitely been in mortal peril more than enough times,” his parents demanded.

The spirit-seer still kept the crocodile smile on, but Dan could tell she was starting to lose patience. “I know that when you're a parent, it seems like your child is in danger every moment of the day, but I'm sure that the 10 times he has 'almost died' it wasn't actually that dangerous.”

“He fell off of a cliff last weekend. Last month he ran into a wild bear, and the month before that he almost got swept away by a strong wave. And every single time, his guardian spirit hasn't shown up,” his mother protested as his father nodded.

“Well, that means that he wasn't actually in danger, it may have just seemed like it. If the guardian spirit knew that he was going to be saved, it wouldn't step in. This doesn't mean that he doesn't have a guardian spirit, it just means that his spirit will only reveal itself when he's actually about to die.”

 _The seer lied, I just don't have a guardian spirit,_ Dan thought bitterly, his heart still racing from the danger he had been put in. He could understand it, though. _What spirit would want to protect me? My spirit probably just wants me dead. It's understandable._

His phone buzzed from his back pocket, making the noise of a familiar ringtone. He pulled it out to see a text from his best friend.

 

Phil

Where r u?

 

He opened up his messages and responded. 'On my way, I almost died, so I might be a little late.' He hit send and moments later, he received a call.

“Hey Phil,” he said, picking it up.

“What do you mean you almost died?” Phil asked him frantically, getting to the point.

“I almost got hit by a truck. And guess who still didn't show up?”

“Your guardian spirit?”

“Yup. The only reason I survived was because the guardian spirit of the truck driver showed up and saved us both. Apparently, if I had gotten hit, the truck driver would have gotten into a coma, so his guardian spirit showed up and saved us both. I'm starting to think that my guardian spirit wants me dead.”

Phil stayed silent. Dan looked at the clock on his phone.

“Sorry that I'm going to be late, Phil. I'll probably be there in 5 minutes. Can you explain this to Louise?”

“Yeah, of course, I'll tell her. And don't worry about being late, I'm sure Louise will understand, considering you almost died.”

“Great. Thanks, Phil.”

“Yeah, of course. Don't die before you get here, okay?”

“I'll try not to,” Dan said before saying his goodbyes and hanging up.

He sighed, trying to walk faster. Of course, he had to almost die on the day of his friend's birthday party. He wasn't even sure how many almost-deaths he'd experienced before. He stopped counting after the 50th back when he was 7. He had known since he was a child that he was highly accident prone, and he had never gone a month without accidentally tempting death.

_But still couldn't this have happened tomorrow? I'm already 10 minutes late to Louise's party._

He continued speed-walking, not wanting to be too late to the party.  Normally he would have taken the time to stare at the houses and people, but now he was so fixated on trying to get to the party that he didn't even stop to look at the dogs.

Soon enough, he made it, even if he was a little out of breath. He knocked a few times on the door, waiting to be let in.

The door opened, and within a split second, he was engulfed in a hug. He stiffened for a moment, startled at the sudden contact, before smiling when he realized who it was.

“Happy Birthday, Louise,” he said, returning the hug.

“I can't believe you almost died!” she said, pulling him inside the house.  Her blonde hair swayed as she moved, and her eyes had a concerned spark in them.

Dan felt a minuscule pang of guilt for making her worry.  He shrugged, handing her the present. “It happens a lot.”

Her voice got a little quieter, speaking gently. “Did your guardian spirit show up this time?”

He shook his head, not verbalizing the answer.

She hugged him again and he smiled again, leaning into her arms for a moment. She was one of the greatest friends he could have asked for, and she was almost always there for him. If he had to pick a best friend aside from Phil, it would probably be Louise. But of course, there was a huge difference between Phil and Louise.

While he could never see himself dating Louise unless they were the last two humans on earth, he had one of the biggest crushes ever on Phil.

“Dan! You're okay!” a familiar voice called out from the end of the hallway that Dan and Louise were in. He turned his head to see Phil, who had already joined the hug. Dan smiled ever brighter at the sight of his best friend.

Phil's blue eyes had the same concerned spark as Louise's and Dan suddenly felt even more guilty than he felt before.

“Of course I'm okay, you spoon. I told you I wouldn't die before I got here,” Dan laughed, letting go of the two of them.

“Yeah and I didn't believe you in the slightest,” Phil told him. “Anyway, let's start the party!”

"Good plan," Louise grinned, the concern fading out of her eyes.  In it's replace were shimmers of happiness and excitement.

Once Louise was out of earshot, Phil looked at Dan, smiling softly at him. “I'm glad you're okay,” Phil said in a soft voice. He then moved past Dan, heading to the living room.

Dan stood there, completely still. It was as though Phil was Medusa, turning people like Dan into stone whenever he looked at them. Dan felt trapped in the gaze of his best friend.

_Phil Lester should not be allowed to smile like that. Forget being run over, that smile will be my cause of death._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha this is so late *sweats nervously*. I promise I didn't mean for it to take so much time, I just didn't have enough time to write. Sorry, but I hope you like it!

“NO NO NO NO!” Dan screamed, throwing his Wiimote down on the couch. “HOW DARE YOU PHIL!”

Phil just giggled, effectively melting Dan's brain into mush. “Bet you weren't expecting that blue shell, Danny.”

“You little shit,” Dan said, slumping into the couch.

“And with that match, Dan and Phil are tied at Mario Kart,” PJ announced, laughing at Dan's antics.

“Rematch!” Dan yelled, picking up his Wiimote.

“No, no, no,” Louise said, smiling. “I'm ending this before you two kill each other. Let's have cake.”

“What type of cake is it?” Dan asked, following Louise into the kitchen. Everyone migrated to the table, sitting down in front of the bright pink cake.

“Half of it is chocolate, half of it is is vanilla,” she responded. She looked around briefly before turning back to Dan. “Can you grab me a knife? They're in the drawer over there.”

“I'll do it,” Phil said suddenly, shooting out of his seat towards the drawer.”

He pulled out a knife and handed it to Louise before returning to his seat, looking mildly accomplished.

“Thanks Phil,” Louise said positioning herself to sink the knife into the cake.

“Wait!” Phil called out. Louise paused, and everyone turned to look at him. “We didn't sing Happy Birthday yet. You have to blow out candles too.”

Louise laughed a little bit. “We don't have candles, Phil, but thanks for thinking of that.”

“Well, we still need to sing Happy Birthday,” Phil protested before beginning to sing. Soon enough, everyone had started singing, belting out the lyrics to Happy Birthday with vigor.

By the time it was over, everyone was breathless, but laughing anyway. Dan felt incredibly giddy as he attempted to catch his breath.

“Well, now that that's over, thank God, who wants vanilla and who wants chocolate?” Louise asked, leading to everyone screaming their requests at her.

Dan looked at Phil out of the corner of his eye, who was smiling and laughing in the adorable way he did.

They had met in preschool, when Dan had tripped and Phil had reached out to catch him. Even back then he had been gorgeous, but for the first few years of Dan knowing Phil, Dan hadn't realized that he had a crush on the other boy. He simply understood that he wanted to be near Phil at all times of the day. He simply understood that Phil made his world a lot better, a lot brighter than it was before.

“Dan, do you want chocolate or vanilla?” Louise asked, interrupting his memory.

“Chocolate,” he answered.

She passed him a plate with some cake on it before turning to ask Zoe the same thing.

“So, how did you almost get hit by truck?” Phil asked. Dan turned to him, looking at him. Dan wanted to always be looking at him.

“I was crossing the street at a crosswalk, and the truck driver ignored the red light and almost ran me over. His guardian spirit took the wheel a second before I was going to get hit and stopped the truck from hitting me. Apparently if the guardian spirit hadn't stepped in, the truck would have hit me before swerving and hitting a tree, which would end up killing me and putting the truck driver in a coma.

Phil nodded, listening as he chewed his cake.

“And my guardian spirit still didn't show up!” continued Dan, angrily ranting. “Maybe I just don't have one, because I don't know what sensible person wouldn't consider almost getting hit by a truck dangerous.”

“Your life must flash by your eyes so much,” remarked Phil, poking his cake with a fork.

“Yeah, that's how I know how little I've accomplished and how much time I spend sleeping.”

Phil giggled, and Dan's heart soared yet again, flying in a way that he wouldn't have thought possible if it weren't for Phil Lester.

“Yeah, you can't even beat me in Mario Kart.”

“I can so beat you at Mario Kart, dumbass,” Dan took a bite of his cake.

“Hmmm...” Phil responded and Dan smiled at him.

The party was over far too early, and Dan found himself leaving much sooner than he wanted to. He hugged Louise goodbye, trying to stall leaving.

“Happy Birthday, Louise,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm getting old. Don't die on your way back, okay? Louise told him, hugging him back.

“Don't worry, Louise. He's got me to protect him,” Phil said, flexing his arms. Dan looked at Phil flexing his nonexistent muscles and back to Louise.

“Louise, today is the day I will die. I want you to have my collection of DVDs,” Dan said solemnly. Louise laughed while Phil adopted an expression of mock offense.

“What do you mean, you'll die? Philly L will protect you!”

“Call yourself Philly L again and you won't be worried about protecting me because I will murder you.”

Phil smiled, beaming with the full power of the sun that he was. “Come on,” he said. “We have to go.”

Dan reluctantly followed Phil out of the hallway, waving to everyone else as he exited.

“You're lucky we live in the same neighborhood. You would never get anywhere if it weren't for me pulling you along,” Phil told him.

“I think you mean to say that YOU are lucky we live in the same neighborhood. You literally can't find your way anywhere. If it weren't for me, you'd probably get lost on your own street.”

“Hey! I know how to get around places,” Phil protested.

“Hmmmm,” Dan responded before laughing. Soon enough, Phil was joining in. The boys stayed laughing for a few moments, before Phil suddenly stopped. He stayed still for a moment, before looking at Dan.

“Phil, what's wrong? You okay?” Dan asked, worried by his friend's abrupt change in mood.

“Can we take the long way back?” Phil asked him.

“Um, sure we can. Why?”

Phil just shrugged. “I want to take the long way back. Can we?”

“Sure, but why?” Dan persisted.

“I like the long why. Besides, I want to talk to for longer.”

Dan tried to ignore his heart beating as they crossed to the other street.

He had always imagined him coming out to Phil before he came out to anyone else. That was probably bad, in hindsight, the fact that he wanted to come out to his best friend before his mum, the person who birthed him.

In reality, Dan just wanted to come out to someone. He had been feeling the pressure more than before since his last existential crisis, when he had realized that he could die at any time and he didn't want to take this secret to the grave with him.

He wanted to come out, he wanted someone to know that he was bisexual. He didn't want to die with no one knowing.

He just didn't know how to say it.

He had watched hundreds of coming out videos, looking for a way to piece together the words to make the sentence he needed. But he hadn't found the right way for him. None of the phrases or stories seemed right. At this point, he would actually have someone out him so that he didn't have to do the work of coming out to everyone he knew.

Him and Phil rounded the corner, making their way into the neighborhood that they lived in. They walked down to Dan's house first, staying silent until they reached the building.

“See ya later,” Dan said, turning to leave.

Then Phil hugged him.

Dan and Phil had hugged before, but they didn't normally hug each other goodbye. Dan was surprised at the unexpected touch, but leaned into it, enjoying how gentle and soft it was.

When Phil finally pulled away, Dan feigned nonchalance as Phil waved goodbye.

“See you soon, Dan.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long! I kept telling myself to write, but other things got in the way. (*cough* watching Netflix *cough*)  
> Also, **minor spoiler** there is a coming out scene, and it isn't the happiest coming out scene in the world, (don't worry, no one gets kicked out) so if that makes you upset or triggers you, then I wouldn't recommend reading this.

Dan had decided. His stomach was turning, moving around violently. His head was spinning at the thought of going downstairs. His heart was racing, faster than it ever had before. He stayed at the top of the stairs, looking down the stairwell.

He was procrastinating and he knew it. He was just stalling, trying to put off going downstairs and talking to his mum.

The decision had started with him flopping on his bed, heart still racing after hugging Phil so suddenly. He had thought about all of the times Phil had made his heart race, and the times he felt like nothing was more comforting than Phil. He thought about the way that Phil smiled, those radioactively beautiful eyes lighting up.

Every part of Phil was perfect, canceling out all of the misfortune and bad luck in Dan's life with his wondrous personality. With his wondrous laugh. With his wondrous existence.

Phil made everything happy, and in that moment, Dan felt happy. Pure happiness.

 _But dating him will be impossible. You're not out to him, yet. You're not out to anyone yet. And you'll never have the guts to come out to anyone._ His mind's negativity was normal, but this time, it hurt more than usual.

_It hurts more than normal because it's true. You're going to be taking this to the grave with you. You're too scared to come out._

Dan wanted to tell his inner voice to shut up. He wanted it to be quiet. He wanted to text Phil, since Phil always seemed to know when he needed reassuring and was always able to reassure him.

_But you can't text him. After all, you're not out to him. There's no one you can tell this too._

Dan had made the decision in that moment, his mind already working in overdrive to try to piece together the sentences he wanted to say.

He was going to come out as bisexual to his mum.

He was now still standing at the top of the stairs, hesitating. His brother and his father were both out at the moment, and it was the closest thing to a perfect moment he would be able to get.

He made his way down the stairs, lingering at every step. His hands were shaking a little bit, which probably wasn't a good sign.

But, Dan made his way downstairs, walking over to his mum. She was seated at the table, scrolling through the internet. He made his way to her, his heart pounding more and more with each step.

Step. _Bump-bump._ Step. _Bump-bump._ Step. _Bump-bump._

He finally made it to his mum, who turned to look at him from where she was sitting. She looked mildly surprised to see him, and Dan couldn't blame her. He was probably sweating a lot, and he didn't come out of his room very often on weekends.

“Hey, Dan. What is it?” she asked him.

“Mum, I have something to tell you,” he told her, trying his best to look her in the eyes. He was tall in general, and his mum was sitting. He towered over her, but he had never felt smaller. He wanted to shrink into himself and hide within his own body. He hadn't even come out, yet he felt like he wanted to leave. He didn't want to do this. He wanted to retreat back into the depths of Tumblr and spend the next hours texting Phil.

_Phil._

“What is it, Dan? Whatever it is, you can tell me,” his mum reassured, smiling at him.

_Say it. Say it. Say it. Say it. It will be better when you hurry up and say it. Do it quickly, try to get it over with. You can do it._

“I'm bisexual.” Dan felt fleeting relief at saying the words, it was like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. It felt like a proclamation, like he was saying something important. And he was. It was the first time he had ever said the words, and he felt proud of himself.

But every positive feeling he had gotten from saying the words dissipated when he saw his mother's face.

She didn't look mad, but she certainly didn't look happy either. She just looked disapproving, staring at her son as though he was just a stupid teenager, making a stupid decision.

 _Maybe she doesn't know what bisexual means,_ Dan thought, trying in vain to ignore what he knew was happening.

“Bisexual means that I'm attracted to both girls and boys in case you-”

“I know what bisexual means, Dan. I also know that you're not it.”

Dan felt like his world had been previously made of glass, and now someone had shattered it. “I'm- I'm what?” he stuttered, trying to put words together. His mind was a mess, a barrage of awful thoughts and angry thoughts and melancholy.

“Dan, you've never had sex,” his mother said to him. He would have blushed if he wasn't trying to hold back tears. “There's no way you can know what your 'identity' is when you haven't had sex with a woman or a man. You can't have a sexual identity without ever having sex.”

_Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry._

“You can't have a sexual identity without having had sex before. It's just not possible. You're just doing this to try to fit in. You want to do this because all of your friends are doing this.”

_Don'tcryDon'tcryDon'tcryDon'tcryDon'tcryDon'tcry._

“And even if you are...this,” his mother told him, avoiding the word bisexual. “It's unnatural, you know? After all, animals don't do this. It's unnatural for someone to have sex with someone of the same gender.”

_DON'T CRY._

“When you're around 20, tell me again. We'll see how much it's changed when you're 20. You'll see. Besides, I think I would know if my own son was gay. Trust me, you're not...this.”

Dan was crying now, hot tears making their way down his cheeks. His throat hurt, and he was crying harder than he normally cried.

“Why are you crying? This isn't a big deal. There's no reason to be crying about something like this, this is just you being a stupid teenager making stupid decisions.”

Dan wanted to scream at her. He wanted to yell and tell her that he was bisexual and not gay. He wanted to tell her that he wasn't trying to 'fit in' and in all honesty, being true to himself was probably going to make him stand out more than he already did. He wanted to yell and scream that the fact that he had never had sex had nothing to do with the fact that he was bisexual.

But he didn't.

He turned around and ran, ran back to his room, trying to move as fast as his legs would take him. He didn't scream at all, he just tried to leave as quickly as possible, not even trying to hide his tears as he went faster than he thought possible.

He felt like his heart and all of his internal organs had burst, and he was internally bleeding. He felt pain, but it wasn't physical. He didn't think he could fix this with a band-aid.

He wanted to cry in the arms of someone who cared about him, but there was no one to cry in the arms of. There was no one to hold him and tell him it was okay.

_It's because no one cares about you enough to hold you in their arms and tell you it's okay. Even your own mother rejected your sexuality. Even your own mother didn't accept you._

Dan grabbed his pillow, pulling it tight in attempt to calm himself down. He leaned his face into it, letting the soft fabric muffle his sobs. His eyes were probably redder than they had ever been, but he didn't care. His door was locked, and the only person who would be able to hear his sobs would be his mother.

At this point, Dan wasn't even sure if he cared about her opinion anymore. He hugged the pillow tighter, wanting someone there to comfort him. He wanted someone to tell him that he was okay, to fix his broken world.

He erupted into sobs again, tears staining the pillow that he was desperately clutching. He felt like there were jagged pieces of broken glass in his throat. He wanted everything to be over. He wanted all of the pain to go away. He never wanted to feel the sadness he was feeling again. He never wanted to feel anything again.

That was when he heard the knock.

It was a sharp knock on the window, causing him to look up from his pillow and snap his head to the window. And there, was someone he didn't expect. Standing on a ladder, wearing an over sized coat, offering a weak smile as he waved at Dan, was Phil Lester.

Phil Lester was right there, and Dan didn't know whether this was a curse or a blessing. Dan wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not, but looking over at Phil, who had come over to his house with a ladder, his heart soared a tiny bit, before plummeting back down at the thought of talking to him after what transpired with his mother.

He walked over to his window, frantically trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. _I'll just tell Phil that I was watching a sad movie or something._

He knew his story wouldn't hold up to scrutiny, but it was the best thing he could think of. And a small part of his mind just wanted him to tell Phil. A part of him wanted Phil to know, so that he could hold Phil close and feel as though someone cared about him.

Dan opened the window, letting Phil in. _Thank god the window screen got taken out, otherwise this would be awkward._

Phil made his way into the room, closing the window behind him. His eyes didn't have their familiar spark behind them and he wasn't smiling in the way he normally did. His smile seemed different, like it was hiding hundreds of emotions behind it.

“Hey, Phil, what are you doing here?” Dan asked, trying to come off as friendly and someone who hadn't spent ages crying his lungs out.

That was when Phil hugged him. Again.

Dan didn't even take the moment to be startled this time. He just leaned into Phil's touch, feeling the warmth radiating off of him. He wanted to start crying again, but that would lead to a billion questions from Phil, questions he wouldn't be able to answer without coming out, and he didn't think he ever wanted to come out again.

“I'm here to tell you that your sexuality is valid and that you are a wonderful human being,” Phil responded, arms still wrapped around Dan.

Dan moved away quickly, staring at Phil in horror. “I-I w-what?” he asked, incapable of forming a full sentence.

“I know you're bisexual, and I'm here to tell you how incredible and wonderful and valid you are.”

Dan's knees had turned to rubber and horror was flowing through him.

“H-how?”

Phil pulled off his jacket, letting it drop to the floor. He looked Dan in the eyes, not smiling at all anymore.

“Dan, I'm your guardian spirit.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say that I am in no way claiming that Dan's mother is actually like this. I'm sure she's a lovely person.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! I'll try to have the next chapter up by sometime next week, but don't count on it (I'm really lazy haha.) Thanks for reading!


End file.
